A Call To Animal Lovers

I have been searching online for a second dog for weeks. Here is the problem: the shelters up here adopt the dogs out so fast that they can't update their websites quickly enough. So, after doing some extensive research, I have found that there are infinitely more dogs in southern kill shelters than up here in the northeast, which is why we will be getting another dog from somewhere in the Bible Belt. I use the term "Bible Belt" with all irony. Just because God gave us charge over the animals does not in any way mean He gave us license to mistreat them. Let me fill you in on a clear and disgusting epidemic.

In the deep south, there are tons of kill shelters. Shelters that take in dogs and cats and within a 3 day time period if they don't get adopted, they gas them to death. This makes me want to gag. If you look on petfinder.com for five minutes, chances are you will see puppy faces of every size and shape, mutt and purebred alike, with sad faces peeking out from behind the bars of a kill shelter in the south, with the title--"Animal 12345, URGENT!!! Dog will be Euthanized on 12/1." The very same animals we in the northeast might pay $1500 for from a breeder! I was not aware of this to the extent that I am now until recently for one reason: we don't have that here on this scale. You don't drive down the streets of CT and find dogs roaming. People adopt whatever winds up in the shelters. We have spay and neuter laws. According to people I know in the industry, it is not this way in the south. Spay and neuter laws are not what they are where I live. People abandon their animals when they get to be older and not quite as cute. Shelters are overflowing and therefore they have to euthanize the animals quickly to make room for more coming in. I am not exaggerating. This is a southern epidemic and isn't one here. What does that say?

I generally tend to be more wary of people from the south, which my best friend Emily has chastised me for because she loves me and holds me to a high standard, which is awesome. But, you have to understand that I am a Democrat, a straight shooter, a bleeding heart, a high strung "get it done yesterday" kind of gal, and this does not fit the general mold of the southerner. Stereotypes are often created for a reason. When Emily told me I was being silly when I made some derogatory comments about general culture in Arkansas, I listened. But, I am reverting back to my prejudices right about now. I can't help it. I distrust these people and this is precisely why. Ignorance abounds in a way that is actually measurable. If you need proof, re-read this blog.

There is an influx of rescue groups that have started bringing dogs up from the south into the northeast because the demand for animals is high here and the supply is low. There are actually services that transport dogs from Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama, or Florida, to Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York, Massachusetts. My question is, then why gas them? If the supply is high in other areas, can't we get some sort of funding and educate the ignorant public about ethical treatment of animals and the importance of spay/neuter, and then take the strays and transport them to areas where they are going to be given loving homes? Why don't people seem to care that this is going on? If people took unwanted babies in orphanages and gassed them if they didn't get adopted, you can bet your ass people would be legislating a way to make it stop. So, why if we treat our humans with such protection and love can't we treat our animals the same way? It is horrific and wasteful when people like me love dogs like children and could provide a wonderful home. I makes me sick on a level that nothing else really has. Emily posted on my last blog that I should go to the shelters to pick out a dog. The reason why I haven't is because I just can't. I would leave with all of the dogs. When their lives are at stake, how can you choose just one? And if I go to a no-kill shelter (since there are more of those here in CT), I would feel guilty for not saving a life in danger.

Gandhi said, "We can judge our country's moral progress by the way we treat our animals." I couldn't agree more. I am not saying you have to love animals. I am not saying to stop eating burgers. I am saying that if you are cruel enough to think it's okay to leave your dog in the woods when you decide he is too much work, or if you use your pitbull for dog fighting, or if you abuse your animal, you deserve the same treatment. I am saying that kill shelters should not be in existence when the demand is high for pets in other areas. I am saying that any society that allows innocent creatures to be slaughtered en masse for no verifiable reason (as in, not for food) has a serious God complex to think we are justified in doing so. Humans are overpopulated too--did that give Hitler the right to kill 6 million Jews, handicapped people, and Catholics because he deemed them less worthy? Why is it that any highly Republican area tends to give almost no help to animals or poor people? I mean, maybe if there wasn't so much poverty in the south, there wouldn't be so much ignorance and mistreatment of animals. The shit rolls downhill, as they say. How can you be in the Bible Belt and say Jesus's name and then slap Him in the face with your selfishness? Save the babies, but get your damn hands out of my pockets, slaughter the prisoners (guilty or not), and let the animals starve. If that offends you, I don't care. Just because your pastor says Jesus was a Republican, doesn't mean He was. (Go ahead, Em...I know you are going to give it to me for this one.)

In the last two weeks, I have donated $250 to rescue groups. I have volunteered my services to two groups I admire. I have sent links to the petfinder.com profile of every animal I came across in a kill shelter to whatever local rescue groups my google search could come up with. I am disgusted to the point of obsession. I normally go to bed at 11:30pm or so, but since this has come up, I am on the internet late into the night scouring websites and crying. I am devastated by my inability to help on any real level. I am smart, I am capable, I am a fiery pain-in-the-ass when I want to be. How can I use that to change things? Anybody have any experience with lobbying? I am all for "big government" when it means laws to protect against white trash ignorance.

The Search

I got nothing done today. Didn't see clients, didn't do paperwork, didn't do laundry, didn't even eat lunch. I am feeling depressed. I had my hopes up for the first time in a while and it didn't pan out.

Matt and I decided now is the best time to get a second dog. Our first dog is two; she is young enough to have the energy to play with a companion but not nearly as much work as she was when she was a baby. I work for a veterinary health company, so all my vet services, lab work, and pharmaceutical products are 75% off. We now have a big yard with the Invisable Fence. With the winter coming, we will be home a lot with the dogs, and it's a perfect time to get to know and earn the trust of a second dog. And we WANT one. I ache for another furry companion to love. My present dog is great, but she is very high energy and not much of a cuddler. If we had a more low-key dog, it might calm her down a bit and she might also get jealous and I will have snuggles from two babies.

We decided to adopt this time around. With Rosie, I was naively concerned that if we didn't go through a breeder who could guarantee proper breeding, I would get a crazy dog with bad health problems. So, we paid through the nose for the dog, the vet care, the spay, etc. And what did we get? A high energy dog with horrible allergies! I love her so much, but if I could do it again, I'd take everyone's advice and rescue a dog. You actually have LESS health problems with a mixed breed because genetic problems that are inherent in certain breeds are diluted because the dog is mixed and therefore has less of a propencity toward those issues. You can also get a rescue dog that is a few months old (or an adult dog if you prefer) instead of a tiny puppy, which takes out the potty training and puppy nipping hassles. In addition, you can also have some inkling into the dog's personality type--is she submissive? Dominant? Energetic? Snuggly? A bark-a-holic? They also spay/neuter and vaccinate BEFORE you bring them home, saving you so much money. And the best part is, you are saving that wonderful dog from certain death in an overcrowded shelter. Why should that loving companion die when somebody could take her home and cherish her?

So, after hours of pouring over photos and stories on www.petfinder.com (the biggest rescue site), I found one who jumped out at me and grabbed me by the heart strings. A young yellow lab mix girl, very snuggly and submissive, a great obedient companion for my current dog to "boss around", with a face like an angel. She was in a kill shelter in the south and needed a good home with lots of love who could give her some confidence. I discussed it with my boyfriend and after seeing her pictures, he agreed that he'd be interested in hearing more. I emailed about her, and hardly slept all night while I waited for a response. I received the email today that she's already adopted and I burst out crying. Why keep her on the site if she is no longer available? Are there many other dogs on those sites who are no longer available? Is the whole thing just a tease? I looked for HOURS on a few big sites today and no other dog struck me this way. And the few additional dogs I thought might be at least worth an inquiry didn't even get a response from the shelters I emailed! Aren't they looking for good homes for these animals? Why wouldn't you at least respond? I feet like a woman trying to get pregnant who can't seem to make it happen. All I want is to provide a wonderful home for a dog who needs me. I am a GREAT dog mom. My dog is the center of this house. Which is the exact reason she needs a sibling!

I think I will just go downstairs and scratch Rosie's fuzzy butt for a few minutes. That's about all the affection she can muster, but we both enjoy it. She does the bootie dance (wiggling butt, dancing feet), I smile, and sometimes I even get some kisses. I have to take all I can get right now. I'm pretty bummed.

Am I Missing Something?

This is my child. I love her very much. She is 25 months old and is starting to say really funny things. When her daddy is teasing her too much, she very clearly tells him to knock it off. When she wants to go outside, she says so. When she wants me to stop smooching her and let her sleep, when she is hungry, when she wants to play--all of these are things she has learned how to say. Of course, it's not in ENGLISH, but it's very obvious what she is trying to communicate. People tell me she is very articulate for her age.

I love dogs, always have. I wanted one every second of the last ten years I have lived out of my parents' house (we always had dogs there), and I waited, because owning a dog is a responsibility and you need to have time and energy and money for vet visits. Two years ago, I brought Rosie home and it's been wonderful ever since. She is a blessing and I love being her mommy. I even pray over her at night and ask God to keep her around a long time, protect her, keep her happy and healthy and safe, and for me always to have the ability to give her whatever she needs. It may seem silly to you. But, it isn't to me. She is the answer to my prayer for a dog for the last ten years and I intend to be good to her.

I am posting this for a reason--to all the moms out there who may or may not read this. People think it's weird that I feel this way about my dog, and that I am almost 32 and have no children. Like maybe the dog is a substitute for a human child. But, I really DON'T want kids right now. The dog is no substitute. You can stop looking at me like I am missing out on something--like maybe that 'poor girl' CAN'T have kids. No. I don't WANT them at present. It's not that I don't like kids--I do. I just don't get all warm and fuzzy at the thought of getting pregnant like most women my age do. I enjoy handing them back when they become annoying. Being stuck with a little me who limits my freedom scares me to death. When I was younger, the thought of it made me happy. But now, (I hate to publicly admit this) when people announce they are pregnant, my head automatically thinks, "Why?" instead of, "Yay!" But then the other part of me is happy they got their wish like I got my dog wish. I just don't understand it.

When you have a child, your life becomes infinitely more difficult. You sleep less. You are stuck in the house frequently (due to nap schedules and stuffy noses, etc.). You have sex less, you travel less, you socialize less, you spend more (and if one partner stays home with the kids, you make less). Your nerves are frequently frazzled. You think about your needs less and the needs of someone else more. In fact, your life is often dictated by that someone else (or someone elses)--where you can go, what time you need to be home, how far you can go in your career, what you can say, etc. It's like living in a communist society run by midgets.

And then there's what happens to you. You have trouble taking off the pregnancy weight. Your hormones are more active than a tennis play off game with the Williams sisters. You become obsessed with your kids and become frequently unable to carry on a conversation that does not involve them. All your movies are rated G. All the music in the car involves sing alongs (gangsta rap is out). Finding a babysitter is a necessary precursor to every evening out with friends. When you are at your wit's end, your kid doesn't care...it isn't about you. And we all know your husband isn't thinking about your needs, either. He's a man afterall. Nine out of ten times he is only thinking about food, sports, or work. You become disgruntled, you start to complain that you work harder than anyone yet don't collect a paycheck. You love your kids and wouldn't give them up for anything, but where have YOU gone in all this? It's the classic story of motherhood.

I know it's not all bad. I know kids are cute and funny sometimes--but giving up you is a big price to pay for cute and funny. With a dog, these things don't happen. You can still be YOU, only now you have a furry buddy to love you when you feel unloved. I'm not saying having a dog is a walk in the park (except, it does make a walk in the park involve a lot more sniffing). It's hard sometimes to organize your schedule to let the dog out. Dogs need a lot of exercise, and sometimes giving that to them is challenging. But a dog doesn't change your life to any great degree. You are still you. A dog is never going to make you forget about your needs and forget who you are. Yet, somehow, over the last two years, I have had a lot of friends and family members tell me that they can't understand why I'd get a dog because it's "so much work" and "ties you down." These people are often mothers who have had several kids. Are you kidding me? When I say this to them, their response is often shock that I don't understand the benefits of having a child far outweigh those of having a dog--like this is something EVERYONE thinks, and there is something wrong with me that I don't see it that way.

Maybe my motherhood genes fell out of my butthole in the last 7 years or so since I stopped being excited about having kids. Maybe I have seen too many friends lose themselves to a Nazi in pampers. Maybe I am the most selfish person alive. Maybe I just worry too much. But, I really don't get it. I don't have enough of a drive to have children to be able to cognitively understand the reasons why people willingly choose to have them when it seems to limit you so much, stretch you to your limit, and change everything you worked for and everything you are. I can see if you really have an aching desire for kids, the aggravation is worth it. But, besides the maternal ache I obviously lost via my butthole, can someone please tell me WHY reproduction is such a desirable thing? Is it even explainable in a language I can understand? Is there any logical explanation other than a person with kids telling me how much I am missing out and that I won't understand until I have them? (<---Seriously, please shut up.)

Emily

Her post about me wasn't what prompted me to write this. I had actually been planning to for a while, and her post about me reminded me that I had been meaning to do this.

You see, that's the kind of friend she is. She's the sort of person who finds ways to make people feel loved. And a while back she decided she was going to do a blog series about people she was close to, as a tribute. I thought that was such a cool idea, so I wanted to do one about her. With all her tributes to others, I thought she should be tributed for being cool enough to tribute.

And yes, I realize that sounds like a metaphor for a fart.

But, this isn't about farting, it's about Emily. I met her when I was 12 and we only lived in the same state for about a year. I liked her right away. You see, she was funny and smart in a way few people are. When she told me she was moving to Utah our seventh grade year, I bawled my eyes out. Part of me never stopped. Because there are few people like her in the world and I am lucky enough to have found one and she lives 2000 miles away. And when I want to stop over there and see her on a random occasion where I need her or I know she needs me, I have to request time off from work and book a plane flight where no doubt I will be sitting next to someone who hasn't showered since FDR was in office.

So, she deserves someone to write about her. True to Emily's writing style, her blog about me was more of a factual account of who I am and why we are friends. Mine is going to be slightly more wordy and emotional. Kind of like Joan Rivers without the multiple facelifts. So, without further ado, here are the main reasons why Emily is amazing enough to be someone I would trust my life to.

1. She's honest. Emily doesn't bullshit and neither do I. I don't have to wonder if she's going to tell me something that she's just saying to not cause an issue. If I'm being an idiot, she will tell me so. She's just as fiesty as I am and she carries herself like someone who you can't help but respect, and I like that I have met my match.

2. She's an intellectual and she's interesting. I can talk philosophy or history or life in general with her and chances are she's got something profound to contribute. And it's usually peppered with musical laughter and intelligent quips that make me laugh. No one can tell a story like she can.

3. She's wise. We come from completely different walks of life, but she somehow gets me where it matters, and to me, she seems to get LIFE where it matters. She can analyze a situation and see the good points and the bad points but she always has words that make it all make sense. And, she thinks I do too, which makes our friendship have a good flow and not be one-sided.

4. She always challenges me to be my best self. But, here's the thing that's awesome about the way she does it: I never feel like she is putting me down. It always has to do with holding me to my own ideals. And in this way, I can see just how much she cares about me and how she sees me as this great person who she won't let NOT be that great person. Everyone should have someone who does this for them. There would be a lot less axe murderers on the planet.

5. She loves the things I love because they are what makes me who I am, even if she doesn't also love those things. This is another really amazing thing that no one else I know is able to do (myself included). Emily doesn't like dogs much, but I love dogs. So, Emily, who is a mother of two small children, will make sure she asks me about my "baby" on the phone, or comment on facebook at my doggy pictures, or randomly send me a pretty dog collar she bought for my dog because she knows it will make me smile. It's not just something she does regarding my dog, she does this with most everything. Emily is married and has been since we were 19; I am not married and I live with my boyfriend. Emily puts a high value on marriage, I do not. But, Emily does not ever make me feel like what I have with my boyfriend is less than what she has with her husband, even though I know she does not believe in living with someone before marriage. Emily is able to meet me at my level and appreciate me for who I truly am and not who she's trying to make me into. She should teach a class on friendship because I seriously don't know anyone else who is able to master this simple, yet so significant, testament of love.

6. Emily and I have many of the same values and interests, and equally as many things we do not agree on. We both love God and believe in Christian morality, but I am a tad bit more liberal about it than she is. We both love to read and write, but we both write completely different styles and enjoy completely different genres of books. We both like kids and both of us have taught them, but she likes the small ones and I like to work with the older ones. We both have quick-witted senses of humor, but I can be more crass at times which I try to tone down when she is around out of respect. I am a die-hard liberal, and she is a more moderate Republican...yet she is the only person who has been able to make her more conservative political convictions seem rational to me. I feel like our friendship is custom designed to work; we are enough alike to be on the same page about the important stuff, but different enough to be able to constantly learn from each other.

7. We hurt for each other when the other person is hurt. I try to remain unbiased when she seeks my advice in an argument with her husband, but inwardly, I worry about her and am angry someone was dumb enough to hurt her. She says I am a good listener, but I am only a good listener when I care enough to make sure the other person is okay (Wow, I just read how awful that sounds!). She, on the other hand, nursed me through about ten years of clinical depression and suicidal thoughts. Who has that much stamina? I couldn't have taken all those crying phone calls she took without yelling, "Get over yourself!" at some point, but she never did. One great example I have of how she is there for me always: I don't speak to my only brother or his family (inlcuding three kids), and she knows how much this hurts me. I will never forget the conversation I had with her after the falling out with him. She had just had her first child and could see how much it pained me that I knew my brother's kids were no longer going to be part of my life. "I hate your brother," Emily said. From that moment onward, despite the fact that she has EIGHT brothers and sisters to call "auntie" and "uncle", I became "Auntie Lisa." I get hand-drawn Jonah artwork sent in the mail, phone conversations where Jonah and Elora will tell me things Emily has to translate (Emily: She said, "Hi Auntie Lisa!" Me: She did?), the latest pictures in the mail, and all the priviliges of a biological aunt.

8. She is extremely selfless without being a doormat. Se never forgets birthdays. She always puts her kids' needs before her own. She makes the effort with people she loves, without fail. She is randomly generous and sends me random small things she knows I will get a kick out of. Sometimes it is something random and weird that will make me laugh, like a stuffed lobster with no note or explanation.

Things I admire about Emily:

1. She can read Jane Eyre books and understand what is going on whereas I have to stop and translate every sentence.

2. She has a way with small kids that mystifies me. She is loving and tough at the same time. If her kid falls and hurts himself, she doesn't freak out and become a neurotic mess, she shrugs and gives him a kiss. Kids listen to her because she gets them. And it's not just HER kids, it's every kid I have seen her with. I wish she would go back to teaching. The world could use more teachers like her.

3. She can tell the most hilarious stories and captivate a whole room. I think it's a Brimley family trait because her siblings are all like this too.

4. Emily likes who she is without being conceited, and she rarely doubts herself without being arrogant. She taught me so much about liking and owning who I am.

5. She's physically beautiful without ever seeming to notice or care.

6. She has persevered in her religious affiliation despite her husband's apathy to her religion.

7. If she wants something, she makes it happen. I am the same way. It's like two heat-seeking missles travelling toward a target.

8. She makes and keeps friends better than anyone else I know.

9. She can make anything fun, even if it's not. Back in high school she and her friends would randomly implement these silly ideas like "Bad hair day", and all of the would go to school with insane hair. She still does these fun things and finds these cool places and things to do on a regular basis, while I am sitting around dying of boredom.

10. Emily doesn't sweat the small stuff and I always do. When I get off the phone with her, my blood pressure goes down about 15 points.

11. She sees the silver lining in every cloud I have painted black prior to talking to her. And she never has to SAY anything to make me feel like I am being pessimistic, she just emits optimism in a way that makes it infectious and not in an annoying or preachy way. Like, for instance she will spend a certain amount of time sympathizing about my horrid job, then crack a joke and put Jonah on the phone so I can't focus on the negative for too long.

12. She has always known who she is and what she wanted. From the time we were kids, I knew Emily wanted to be a mom, and she would name her son Jonah or Justus, and her daughter Elora or Autumn. She has been in love with the same man since she was 16 and old enough to date. She has the same morals and values now that she had as a child and the same friends, the same likes and dislikes. She is ridiculously grounded for someone who has travelled and lived all over the world. She can appreciate other people's thoughts without allowing them to overtake her's, but rather she uses what she learns from others to enrich her life, not change it.

I could go on. If I sat here long enough I could come up with thirty more pages this length. But I am sure if you know Emily like I do, you already know all this stuff. But, even if everybody knows it already, it's about time somebody built her up the way she does for everyone else all the time. So, I wrote this for Emily, who inspired me for the last 19 years to be the best person I could be, made me laugh, made me think, and even through all the arguments never let me down. Thank you, Em, for being the best friend I could ask for.

Why I am Going to Be Immortal and You Aren't

My house is so cold that you could hang meat in here and it would stay fresh for two weeks. We should rent space to the local butcher and capitalize on this opportunity. I am sitting here right now with the laptop perched atop my... lap (shocker!)... but it is more for warmth than anything. Who am I kidding? I have been dying to impart my blog wisdom all day. I am like a child with a new toy. Except this toy doesn't come with toxic paint from China. More like toxic verbiage from Connecticut.

Okay, so here is where I am going to prove why exactly this blog is entitled "Adventures in Lunacy." When you read this, you are going to have one of two reactions--1) This woman is nuts and Type A to the point of insanity, or, 2) Become fearful of your heart imploding. What do you mean it can't happen? It can happen!

Be prepared for being nagged worse than your mother ever knew how (unless you are Jewish or Italian, and then maybe I am on par). I am going to spew out some reasons why I am going to live forever and you are not. And that is going to make you feel shameful like that time you were caught making out with your second cousin at a family reunion (unless you are from the south and then I wouldn't worry about it).

So here it is. Ten reasons why I am nuts and also why you are going to be afraid and ashamed of yourself because you do not treat your body like a temple as you should.

1. I floss every day. Really. It is a fact that bacteria that comes from food being stuck and rotting in your teeth can cause infections and even heart problems. SEE! I told you your heart is going to implode!

2. I sleep at least eight hours a day. Sometimes I sleep up to ten hours a day. Sleep is the best way to reduce stress, rejuvinate yourself, work out troubling emotions, and up your immunity. Loving sleep is about 40% of the reason why I am not sure if I want children. Maybe I will change my mind about that if it becomes legal to drug your children before bed so they sleep through the night. But, it's not looking good on that end. Damn child advocacy groups are ruining my plan.

3. I limit sugar, fat, and processed food intake. I try to keep the indulgences to a one-meal-a-week limit. Because the less you eat the stuff, the less you crave it, and the less of a chance you have of your heart imploding, or even worse, becoming a fat ass.

4. I eat a Mediterranean Diet. A trillion annoying old Greek and Italian ladies who live much longer than is humanely normal can't be wrong. In fact, I know one is pushing 94 and happens to be closely related to me and is somehow still able to outsmart me and therefore annoy me on a daily basis--but she will remain nameless (*cough* Grandma!). What is a Mediterranean Diet, you ask? Lean meats, lots of raw fruits and veggies, whole grains, low fat dairy, eggs, nuts, healthy fats like olive oil and avocado. Scrap the Atkins Diet and the Grapefruit and Syrup Diet and eat some real food, people. You body is a machine that needs healthy food to run on.

5. I don't smoke or hang out with my friends when they are smoking. Back in high school, it was cool. Now you are just gross. Look at people who have been smoking for a while. They cough a lot, their teeth are yellow, they have wrinkles, their voice sounds like they just swallowed a reptile whole, and they stink. And here's the worst thing about smoking: you don't have to imagine the gruesome ways you might die--you most likely already know. You either suffocate from emphysema or you develop cancer. Two completely lovely ways to say sionara to a life well-lived. Smell that? Nope, that's not cigarette smoke, that's sarcasm.

6. I have just enough caffeine to keep up my metabolism and not enough to lower my calcium intake. I KNOW my BFF is going to read this and argue with this one, but studies show that some caffeine in your diet is good for you. (And no, that study was not conducted by Dr. Starbucks.) Look at all the old Asian ladies who drank green tea their whole lives and fought off all those heinous diseases and then moved to the United States and died in car accidents they caused. Green tea...fights cancer, not bad driving.

7. I rarely drink alcoholic beverages. Some say this makes me a stick-up-your-ass (my mother, for one...the sad part is, I'm serious.), I say this makes me able to function better. I like an occasional beer or glass of wine but I am not one for multiple drunken evenings. It causes me to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep. If I wanted that, I'd just have children. But, besides the sleep disturbances, I always feel ill the next day, and often depressed. And no, that's not a reaction to waking up next to someone I had thought was good looking the night before. It's actually a physiological response to what alcohol does to your brain chemicals. It's a depressant and it screws with your brain's ability to process serotonin and therefore you feel unhappy. It's also a pukifier, which screws with your stomach's ability to be able to process pukatonin and therfore you feel pukey. Yes, those are technical terms.

8. I exercise. A lot. In fact, I exercise at least 5 days a week for anywhere from 45 minutes to two hours. Last night, in fact, I took my cousin Phyllis's cardio sculpt class and got my ass kicked by a 54 year old exercise nazi who happens to share some of my genetic structure. THEN, I proceeded to take a spin class right after. Today I am crippled, yet somehow excited about it. Like I have accomplished something other than come up with a great excuse for why I can't get up off the couch and do the dishes. I am firm, I am strong, I look good naked, and I can bench press a village of midgets (Ah-hem, "little people")--yet I am not much taller than they are. Which may explain why ants carrying things back to their nests that are exponentially bigger than they are does not impress me. Bring it, ant!

9. I see doctors. Sometimes I hallucinate them, but more often I see them live, in their offices. I have this anal-retentive mental schedule wherein I remind myself that I am due for whatever check up I need. My appointments alone have funded more than one private yacht voyage for the latest "Nurses Gone Wild" video series. I keep the medical profession afloat, in more ways than one. But hey, at least my teeth are clean, my cholesterol is low, my eyes can focus, I am free of cancerous moles, and my cervix is so fiesty it might bite if you stick your hand up there far enough. No--that's not an invitation.

10. Stress is one of the biggest predictors of disease next to obesity and substance abuse. And God knows I am one stressed out bitch face sometimes. Try doing my job for three days and tell me you don't want to slap infants. So, instead of acting on my sadistic urges which might cause jail time and societal ostracization (look it up), I get massages once a month or more. Massage not only relaxes you and relieves stress, but eastern medicine is a huge proponent of it because it increases circulation and therefore detoxifies your body. So, it helps your immunity and assists in your body's ability to kick chronic disease and pain in the bootie. And hell, it feels good. It's like science proving chocolate has no calories and causes you to be sexy and happy and smarter than Einstein--are you going to argue, or are you going to run out and buy yourself some Hershey's?

Maybe you are currently hanging your head in shame and vowing to get yourself healthy by 2010. Or, maybe you think I have a little too much time on my hands and/or I am so ridiculously insane that I do all these things when I am just going in a grave someday anyway. Maybe you're wondering if, in fact, I do look good naked as I mentioned above (perv). Or, maybe you're writing down ways to outsmart my 94 year old grandmother (Can I borrow that list when you're done?).

I guess I'll never really know what you are thinking. I just hope you ARE thinking. At least that will make one of your organs that is getting some exercise. Hopefully that active brain will even lead to the conclusion that if you don't treat your body like a temple, it will crumble and your heart will implode, and your lazy younger sister will get that Mercedes you worked so hard for. See, don't I sound like your nagging Italian mother? Do you feel guilty yet?

Maiden Voyage

I've been meaning to do this for a while. No, not eat a very large sundae while wearing devil horns as the picture suggests, but rather set up a blog. I enjoy writing and I have several good friends on here who might actually read my musings. Maybe. If I share my ice cream. Anyhow, writing to me is infinitely more interesting than completing my paperwork for that pesky full time job I have, so I am going to do this instead right now.

I have something to say that is most likely going to piss off a lot of people. Big surprise. But, I mean no harm when I say this. I guess I am just ligitimately curious. I have been struggling with this for a while. So here it is--out with it already.

Why get married?

I'm serious. Why? What is the point? Religious perspective aside, I have no idea why people do this. I have seen way more problems with it than anything. Of course, it's a very romantic ideal. You find someone you can't live without and you join forces for eternity. Okay, wait a minute, that sounds more like a brigade of super heroes. But, you get my drift.

In actuality, though, it's like forcing two people who may or may not at some point decide they want differing things to live under the same roof and work very, very hard to manage as one instead of two. He wants pizza and she wants Chinese. She wants to spend and he wants to save. She wants to live in Minnesota by her family and play in the snow and he wants to live in Mexico and surf all day. She wants seven kids and he wants to travel freely and drink heavily. I mean, how exactly does this work unless you are the same person or so laid back that whatever the other person wants is fine with you? If you say you and your spouse are soul mates, I think you are lying for the sake of appearances or you are someone who lets him/her walk on you and you are masochistic enough to enjoy it. Nobody gets along constantly. You and he/she are not "made for" each other. You had free will to choose who you married and you chose that person, end of story. But problems do come at some point, be sure of that.

I know this sounds awfully silly and jaded of me. Let me clarify, I am not in any way against monogamy. I like monogamy. Wolves and swans like monogamy too. It prevents loneliness and STD's. It makes someone obligated to old your hair back when you have the stomach flu. It gives you someone to experiment bad recipes on who has to say "Wow, this is good honey!" or forego sex. But, when someone mentions "legal" or "sharing finances" or anything that might mean that person is going to have the power to dicate your choices or else, that's when I get itchy.

I am Italian. I come from a culture where the woman stays home with the kids and the man gets a good job and makes a lot of money and tells the woman what to do. Not everyone in my family is like that, but a lot are. The man gets the paycheck, so he says what's going to happen. The woman, on the other hand, has no education and no marketable skills if she chooses not to fall in line. Maybe she does have an education or marketable skills, but maybe she's been out of the work force for so long that no one will hire her doing anything that doesn't require the statement, "Do you want fries with that?" So, she stays. Sometimes she is happy about staying because she loves him and he is a good man. But sometimes--often, in fact--she stays because she doesn't have a choice. This is what I grew up seeing in my culture.

At the risk of sounding sexist, here's the other side of the coin. My dear friend is a very wealthy man. He worked his ass off for what he has. He married an immigrant who he pushed to get an education, despite her desire to sit idly on the couch learning English from Police Academy Movies. I jest. But in all seriousness, he came home one day and found her sleeping with his friend. And, because they have about a gazillion kids, he is LEGALLY (there's that word again) obligated to pay her a small fortune every month for child support. So much so, that not only can she raise a gazillion kids on the money, but make a mortgage payment on her very nice new home, and not have to work (even though all gazillion kids are in school all day and she is alone for 8 hours to watch the Police Academy movies at her leisure). And my wealthy friend is now a middle class friend with very expensive taste and none of the money he works so hard for every day.

I know, I know. Not all marriages are riddled with problems. But, I feel like the vast majority of marriages I have seen have been a struggle for control at some point or another. Once the papers are signed, the controlling begins. Control of the finances, control over who's going to make the major decisions, how they will raise the kids, etc. I don't get it. If you never legally marry, you can have the spouse without the shit. You have your own money, they have theirs. If they want to buy a yacht on credit when they make $700 a decade, you don't have to worry about it. If they decide they like their secretary's vagina better than yours, you can jump ship with your own belongings in tact and not owe the cheating bastard a red cent. You are legally nobody's spouse so you only owe the government for one person's taxes, not two.

Of course, my plan isn't fool proof. There are problems with monogamy too. There are control issues, fights, and flaws. But, there are also options. You can say, "If you don't like it, there's the door," and actually mean it. It's funny what an aphrodesiac independence in a woman is to a man. The biggest turn on is a girl who doesn't take his crap. A girl who he knows in no uncertain terms will kick his ass so far to the curb that he will have another crack in it not put there by God. And likewise, the girl always likes the guy who gives her a little more run for her money than the "too nice" guy who chases her.

So, my point is this: no matter what you choose I wish you well, but I caution you to think with your head at the point where you want only to think with your heart. If you want to get married, do it. I'm not judging your choice if that's what you want. Just be sure that you don't forget who you are in the process. Because while compromise is important, it shouldn't always be one person who has to concede for the other who happens to have more control. Hold some weight in your marriage. Have your own bank account. Have some hobbies that don't revolve around "we". Have a thought on occasion that makes your spouse think, "Wow, my better half sure is smart!" instead of, "Wow, my spouse sure is lucky he/she found me to do the thinking here!" And if that person you marry ever becomes someone you can't stand or even worse, someone who puts your life in danger, please have enough self respect to get out.

Grow some balls, that's all I'm saying.